Who chooses me or who I chose?


This is somewhat a common question pertaining to relationship among Filipinos. There is even a song written to indicate a similar meaning of the title. Who will you prefer the person who chooses you or the person you choose? The song however pertains to love not simply choosing someone. However, to make the dilemma more relatable I would opt to use the word choose than love because the former is more definitive and concrete in meaning. This will the focus of this blogpost.

A question of what seems selfish.

It is selfish both to choose one and choose another who chose you. To choose one is like behaving superior over the other. Superiority as perceived maybe due to wealth, status or any desired characteristic. To be superior is itself selfish by failing to recognize another person as a co-equal being. On the other hand, to simply wait for someone to choose you is also selfish. Think how much self-confidence to think this way. One is quite certain that at least one in the world at a certain point in time will make him or her their choice. That thought seems to be selfish as well because of actively seeking and using time to find someone of one's choice, that person all needs is just to wait, choose and respond.

In another perspective, both are also unselfish. Selecting and using time and resources to choose is also unselfish. There are other things one could do but that person opts to actively find the person who to be with. On the contrary, to choose the person who chose you is also unselfish as long as one responds either positively or negatively within a reasonable amount of time. The other would not have to wonder for so long whether the other likes him or her then. By answering directly and honestly is a unselfish act in itself. It saves both persons time and from negative feelings.

A question of happiness and satisfaction.

Who makes one happy more? The one you choose or the person who chose you. Optimally, the conditions should be applicable to the same person. However, in reality, it may not be that way. There are ofcourse some irregularities and imperfections. The one you choose is a person that suits your taste and meets either your initial or long-term expectations. All of us have a set of characteristics we want: appearance, age, personality, hobbies, temper and communication skills. Finding a mate is like a company that seeks for the best candidate for a vacant job position. When one chooses one, then a person should be satisfied to have finally found someone suitable and appropriate. However, this is not true at one time or another.

Expectations change and vary. A person may never be satisfied with someone. One finds another as someone below one has desired at certain point in time. Therefore, a person who chose you may also find you unsatisfying at one point. This is the reason why relationships should be complimentary and not directed only to initial conversations. Interestingly, a person who chose you will be more motivated to keep you, so it is only up to you reciprocate it. In this case you have the control. But if you wait for another you choose to reciprocate what you have done, the control is never yours and you may wait for an answer from a person who may not willing to answer in the first place.

A question of what should be first.

People do not often make the first move because of two things. Firstly, it maybe perceived as a weakness and secondly, it is plainly due to one's passive personality. Nowadays, one has to portray one is tough and sought-after, rather than the one chasing for someone. One is considered weak if one does the first move, but it is not that. It is a question of initiative versus personality. If one simply does not have the motivation and intrinsic courage, then making the first move in behalf of that person is not wrong.

Making the first move takes often few minutes and less effort, while an interested person obliged to respond has the challenging task to keep attention to last as long as possible after the initial interaction. It is therefore not incorrect to choose the person who chose you. They are usually seen precious for their courage and willingness to take risk. Ofcourse, one must also choose the person one likes, regardless of whether that person reciprocates that the same.

Personally, I have varying answers to this particular question. As of today, I would want a person who chooses me, not just because the person formally needs to choose and make an option, but more importantly the person behaves like I was indeed chosen. To make it understandable, I would rather have a person choosing me, not just for status or label but a person in reality dearly appreciates and opts to be with me.

Why? Time is limited. It is easier to give back to what has been given. It might be more convenient to give more than expected if another has already given something. If one would see it in another perspective, it would be more difficult to ask for something when the  other is not even willing to give something, or has already taken something back. Thus, reciprocity is not being mutual at the same time. Sometimes, we just have to give more to the person who will unselfishly share or give first. One does the first move, while the other will have to share more than the first.

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