Quarrels do not do good

Several times we see in TV drama series quarrels among main characters occur. We are entertained of the fact that inspite of these quarrels, a happy ending still awaits, regardless of how intense the confrontation is and what causes such. This gives us the impression that arguments in relationships are beneficial. However, is this completely fine?
The answer lies on the number of separation and divorce that stems from a simple misunderstanding, which grew to more unresolved problems. The problem is not really how big the problem is, but how often we keep reminding ourselves of it.

Here are some questions associated with quarrels we need to answer:

Why does it occur?

People are different in views, upbringing, attitude and level of understanding. This difference still creates a gap, in spite of the acceptance and decision to be in a relationship. No matter how affectionate people can be to another, there will always be an area or issue that could arise as the root cause of a misunderstanding. It could be a simple thing or a complex social issue that hinders individuals to fully express themselves in a relationship.

It is natural and can not be prevented. However, the problem is not how it began, instead how people reacted after. There are some people, who constantly can not forget. The previous argument is still relevant to a new one, even though there was already an understanding that it was resolved. This is reasonable, if the cause is complex; but sometimes disagreements become means for people to get mere attention, rather than a legitimate problem. Thus; inability to forgive and forget, and the tendency to use quarrels to gain attention make misunderstandings worse and occur more often.

What effect does it do?

Disagreements are part of any relationships, but this does not mean that relationships require more disagreements to make it stronger. Contrary to what others believe, quarrels test people, but engaging more often on it weakens them in the long run.
Worst consequence of too many argument is to be used to have it. This is the time when one becomes numb to nags and similar attempts to initiate quarrels. Instead, quarrels do something at the end in the form of a valuable learning, it simply fails to have an effect on the relationship and worse creates an impression of discontentment and unhappiness.

How can we best handle it?

It is good to have "selective amnesia." This state is characterized of the ability to forget what happenned and therefore not being affected by it. This does not mean that we need to be careless and less vigilant though. Learning from previous mistakes is different from keeping the thoughts alive everyday, as if the mistake or misunderstanding happened just yesterday. It is not easy, but it requires a decision, which is renewed everyday, not to bring the problem again into the awareness. This involves concentrating and living on what keeps the relationship going, rather on what had challenged the relationship before.

Moreover, using disagreements to get attention should be resolved by recognizing this as bad behaviour. Someone in the relationship must verbalize that attention is needed by the other. It takes courage to do so, but this is essential to use other means to get attention. If this is not taken seriously, then the relationship becomes like a children's play, not being a fruitful union instead.

Indeed, it is not easy to be involved in a quarrel. No one wants it and if it is possible to get rid of it, perhaps everyone has done it. No matter how much people try to avoid it, quarrels do happen. But this does not give us the reason to engage more of it. It is still a disagreement that could result to a bigger problem in the future. Keep it a minimum at least.:-)


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