Unknown Feeling This Time Again
How could I describe a feeling unknown and undefined for me to address how I deal with it? It is complicated but the said unusual feeling is a product of events that makes me feel either stagnant or unchallenged. This is also brought about by events beyond my control such that it seems tomorrow is an uncertain mystery. I do not know how to react but this I felt before and now. Writing about it may shed light later and give a sense of direction to myself and readers of this blogpost.
There are several things I associate with this unknown indescribable, but noticeable.
1. The feeling is brought by a routine, which seems unending. Before I was working almost 12 hours a day, seven times a week. I was engaged in teaching several subjects, which somehow provides spice and challenge to my work. However after doing the same thing for over two years, I realized and felt the monotony. This lead me to choose changes and risks that breaks this monotony. On the other hand, currently I work several shifts a week in the nursing home. The routine I have now may not be so mentally demanding as before, but I see the routine is eating me up. I do not know why in spite of the fact that I love working with and caring for people.
2. The feeling makes me feel worried, excited and unchallenged. It seems my skills are underutilized and unappreciated. Before I realized I have been working with people, who knew my capacities but would rather not appreciate it. That was painful for me personally. I just wanted to pursue common good, but I ended up misunderstood. Now, the challenge is to let people know my capacities in a humble subtle manner. This I need for recognition and acknowledgement. People here in my new environment are generally skeptic on what I can and I could in the future. I understand trust takes time to unfold, but this has led me to feel differently.
3. The feeling makes me antisocial as I drift away from my social obligations; such that I feel better alone and tired, rather than being with another and empty. The last time I felt this feeling I ended working so hard, without thinking of the possible physical and mental exhaustion it brings to me. I work as if there is no other time I could have the opportunity to work in a manner I should. Thereafter, I gradually lose my emotions and compassion to at least myself.
4. The feeling is noticed just before a major personal achievement or realization. This I hope will happen for no one knows of the future. We can remain optimistic and hopeful that a significant change may occur, but I would rather be realistic and take responsibility of my current actions. I know my actions are brought about by my own decisions and choices, either right or wrong. However, in the end what matters most is the learning that comes after.
5. This unknown feeling is a by-product of longing for someone and pain brought about by past and present experiences. Before I was longing for my family and friends, who I fail to be with inspite of their distance. My work schedule has hindered me to be with them. This is something I regret doing. Currently, the perceived instability in this new environment leads to the brink of giving up. I know I should not, but things have been hurtful and painful, not just for me but also to my family. I just hope things end well after all.
Lastly, after writing this post, I failed to come up any significant realization. I even ended up with more questions, rather answers. I know things will be clearer in the long run, but I am starting to get impatient. What keeps me moving is my faith and trust coming from my family and friends. At the end of the day, that is what matters most, in spite of the presence of this unknown feeling.