To Whom will I Say Sorry


I am quite aware of the fact that there are two great criticisms people throw at me since then: I always fail to say thank you and sorry. The first one is perhaps one of the reasons I created this blogpost so I could permanently thank everyone who helped me. It does not necessarily mean that me failing to thank someone is tantamount to saying I am ungrateful. I am thankful, but I simply just forget to express it explicitly. However, saying sorry remains to be one of my weakness. I just can't easily say sorry without making an argument for not being sorry. I admit, couple of times, I would want to say sorry, but logic and words always dilute my intention to say sorry. So on this blogpost, I would like to enumerate those situations I am deeply sorry.

Winter 2019-2020

Quite recently yes. Very few knows about this, but yes, I made a couple of mistakes that influences some of my mistakes today. I was trying to please people, while I was not certain what I really want. I was frustrated over the situation that I saw the need to hurt the people around me for them to experience a bit of the burden I was having.  The sequelae of events never stopped there. I was slowly destroying myself within. I was being washed away from who really I was, and no longer standing on solid ground. For those who I made feel inconvenient during that time and thereafter, my sister, family, I am sorry.

Spring 2017

This has been one of the major turning points in my life. I made a major shift in my life. There I discovered a part of myself that I never knew it existed. I was lost, and actually the first time, I felt lost in my life. I felt alone even though there were people who could naturally opt to draw help from. Worse, I opted to hurt the closest person I had with me that time. I think I have expressed sorry but I thought the hurt or inconvenience I have caused is that person would never deserve. I really wish everything good for that person, and forever would be thankful for everything, especially during the time I needed someone to support me. Thank you, and again, I am sorry.

My parents in general.

I am think I am quite too strict with my parents. I am because I needed to be. I felt the need to.be my parents' parents. Often, I feel my actions are justified, but recently, I just opt to be quiet. Less talk, less mistakes. In that way, I do not get involved, and focus more on things that could give more cause of concern. I think people around me have noticed my behaviour with authority or anyone older than me. I do not hesitate regardless of any inconvenience my words or actions would result. I guess, I gradually learned to be such, from how I treat my parents. To my parents, I am deeply sorry for being silent and detached. I know I am wasting my time by doing so, but I would rather do so and be sorry for it than be involved in an endless back-and-forth movement.

2010-2012

Not too long ago, I attempted to fight for corruption and inequality in my former workplace. I became a whistleblower. Then, I felt being antagonized by a big group of colleagues. Overnight, I gained enemies and detractors from all sides. I was an idealist, but I was a realist when it comes to change. Should change be necessary, so it should be initiated and implemented from start to finish. In that chapter, I was able to uncover some uncomfortable truth, but to be honest, I was still protecting the same people who were engaged in that wrongdoing. I do not want to cause so much movements and inconvenience, but I just wanted to focus on change. Nevertheless, I burned a lot of bridges there. To be honest, I really no longer care about it. I did not regret about what I did, but I am sorry for all negative consequences that followed thereafter. Should some of them still are angry at me, to them, I am sorry. Let us just move on.

My grandfather.

We invited my grandfather two years ago in Europe. In one of our conversations, I apologized. We had several conversations, but I could summarize it with me being sorry. I know I am just supposed to be in Norway for quite some time, but now I think it would be impossible for me to even help him. I just hope and pray, things would get better than I could somehow do something productive for him. I know I do not talk or communicate even. I guess I have resigned with the thought that I could no longer do something. I want but I simply can't. For that, I am deeply sorry.

There are still a lot of things, I should have written here, but I am hindered not to do so, either because it is still premature enough, or the magnitude of the situation is not really as serious as three mentioned here. Nevertheless, I am not perfect, just like any other. I try to avoid mistakes, or make calculated risk. I sometimes go over my limits, thus I regret them thereafter. Sometimes, I get fixated with my principles, and believe on them despite of the fact, that I maybe hurting people already. Some of my mistakes make me surprised as well. I never expected some of the outcomes, but I accept all consequences related to these. I think that is the most important.


NB: This post was supposed to be published on September 2020. I just did not have the courage to finish writing this.


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