The Pain of No Choice
At this point of my life, I have come to realize how painful it is to be in a situation where options simply run out or influenced by people other than myself. This is totally different from what I wanted and expected this period of my life will be. Exactly how and why I reached this phase is something out of my control and beyond my limitations.
I want to cry in humility and desperation but I know it will not do anything worth to make the situation better. I think I am starting to feel numb as I fight the challenges presented infront of me and my immediate network. Moreover, I pity myself for allowing myself and others to experience this. Perhaps, I could have done better.
I want to believe that optimism still works. Generally, I am still hopeful that options will fall like raindrops from heaven. I continuously convince myself that I have been in worse situations before but I endured; and so is now. I have strong faith that I can endure this. What matters most is the resilience that comes after one is caught with no choice.
Perhaps, I have set my expectations too high, or simply I failed to gather more information to prepare myself. These could explain why options seem running out. Another cause might be I am not adult enough to handle this kind of situation, such that my coping skills are overwhelmed and overly challenged.
Now is the time for me to make a decision. A decision to continue the search for answers and clues, rather than concentrating on asking questions regarding uncertainties about the future. Probably, by making a decision, a break will result such that new solutions will arise after my viewpoint of the problem has changed.
I still hope for the better; especially not for myself, rather for the people I love and care. The burden seems excessive for them to handle. If taking the burden away from them is itself a choice, then I take it. The relief that results afterwards resonates to me, although in reality still there is no relief in my part. I guess I just have to deal with no choice for now.
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