7 Things I Can No Longer...
This came a little bit early. But I expected it somehow. But this will be first and perhaps the last time I am going to write about you here. Thank you for over 1000 days of being together. I do not know what to say but these are the things I am feeling in the last few weeks. These are the things I can no longer do.
1. See you with enthusiasm
Yes. You were right in the last few months, I see you more as a very good friend. A confidant. However, I saw that as part of the process. A downturn before a possible upswing. I did not see that as a closed chapter not worthy of going back again. There was a time just few days ago, I somehow regained that enthusiasm, but as I have said I do not have to show everything I feel before things are certain. However, now I just have to develop that enthusiasm in me without you.
2. Hold you with passion
It was because of the things that happened to me. I wanted to have some space. Because of that, I looked like a person losing passion. That may not be true inside. I know the more activities we could have done together, the better it is perhaps to regain that passion. Now, yes I do not have to do that. But, you are very passionate about what you are doing. That passion is something someone else deserves better than me perhaps.
3. Do something enough with you
Everything seems not enough. I know that is perhaps real for you. I was far from perfect. Do not worry. Everything on the list you wanted me to experience, I vow myself to try all of them. I will learn how to cook. I will learn to go to ski. I will be more of person doing more outdoor activities. I will sleep less. I will enjoy my travels by relaxing more, not just going around. I will have a life more than you knew me. I will be more caring for others. I think that is something you want to see in me. I will do that. I am committed of doing that starting today.
4. Think of you without worrying
My greatest fear in the last few months is related to you. If I do this... then that may cause you this. Those words are on my mind always. I worry. I think a lot yes. There were times I literally forgot worrying for you. Those might be the times that has caused the cracks of what we had. I considered it a good sign that if I continue to worry about you, then there is still something else I can give, perhaps not now but in the near future. Now, I will do everything not to worry more. As you have taught me, I will just take one day at a time.
5. Laugh without thinking
When I am with you in the last few weeks, when I laugh I can not stop thinking afterwards. If things would be still the same. I had the most genuine laughs I had in my life with you. If not, I would have not introduce you to my family and some of my close friends. You were the first person I did that with. Those memories I will treasure. I will set them aside though from now on. From now on, I will think less. I will just try to laugh more often.
6. Imagine a future with you
It hurts me thinking that the near future is somehow distant from you. You saw everything during the time at my worst. No one else saw that. Yes, we will never really know what will happen in the future. The only person that holds me from transferring from Oslo is you. That was my greatest consideration. I really do not know if things will change but perhaps it will. I just have to think a future wider than Oslo. I am not confining myself either to Norway as well. Perhaps, these things have to happen to see other opportunities in some places before I would never think of.
7. Love you without feeling lonely
Yes I (did) love you. I do not have to show you that. I could even sacrifice my life for you. In a hypothetical question, if I would make use of myself as a shield if someone shoots a gun at you, I would be willing to do so. That is the threshold of love for a person for me. We may have two different perspectives of love. Sometimes, I still felt lonely. But there are ups and downs. It is a process but yes it is a decision to make everyday. Now, you have come to a decision. I hope that will make you less lonely, and feel better.
I am sorry for everything. Thank you for all those days. That was over 1,000 days. Thank you.
I actually have a short draft of this post prepared almost 3 weeks ago. However, I ended not writing it because I felt something better. I thought that I have just reached the bottom and there is no way else but up. But I do not know how much time it would take to go up to the same height it was before. That is what I meant of using time as part of the solution. But yes, you are right you can not wait for long. I understand.
The last three years were also both the best and worst period of my life. Most of the best parts are because you were there, and the worst parts happened because I opted to be alone myself. But yes, today we will live separate lives. Hard but I will move on. I know you can handle better. I saw that on your eyes. I know you are determined to live a life without me. You see that as freedom. Yes, as per your decision, I am setting you free. Thank you.